8.28.2007

the church of the flying spaghetti monster

As a newly ordained minister, I'd like to introduce you to my congregational theology, The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or Pastafarianism as it is more commonly known.
The canonical beliefs of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism are set forth by Bobby Henderson in the Open Letter, the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and on Henderson's web site, where he is described as a "prophet."
The central belief is that there is an invisible and undetectable Flying Spaghetti Monster, which created the entire universe "after drinking heavily." All evidence for evolution was planted by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, in an effort to test Pastafarians' faith; a form of the Omphalos hypothesis. When scientific measurements, such as radiocarbon dating, are made, the Flying Spaghetti Monster "is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage."
The Pastafarian belief of heaven stresses that it contains beer volcanoes and a stripper factory. Hell is similar, except that the beer is stale and the strippers have VD.
The religious text of the Pastafarian religion is called the Loose Canon. In place of the Ten Commandments, it contains The Eight I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts, which is arguably a somewhat looser moral code.
The official conclusion to prayers is "RAmen", contained in certain sections of The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and so on. It is a portmanteau of the Semitic term "Amen" (used in Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) and Ramen, a noodle. While it is typically spelled with both a capital "R" and "A", it is also acceptable to spell it with only a capital R.

Pirates and global warming
According to the Pastafarian belief system, pirates are "absolute divine beings" and the original Pastafarians. Their image as "thieves and outcasts" is misinformation spread by Christian theologians in the Middle Ages and Hare Krishnas later, in airports and San Francisco. Pastafarianism says that they were in fact "peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will" who distributed candy to small children.
The inclusion of pirates in Pastafarianism was part of Henderson's original letter to the Kansas School Board. It illustrated that correlation does not equal causation. Henderson put forth the argument that "global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s." A chart accompanying the letter shows that as the number of pirates decreased, global temperatures increased; the absurdity of this demonstrates how statistically significant correlations do not imply a causal relationship (see confounding).
In December 2005, Bobby Henderson received a reported USD $80,000 advance to pen The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Henderson said he plans to use the proceeds from the sale of the book to build a pirate ship, with which he may travel the world in order to convert heathens to the Pastafarian religion. The book was released on March 28, 2006 (ISBN 0-8129-7656-8).
The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the Pastafarian equivalent of the Bible. It parodies biblical figures with characters such as Captain Mosey, a pirate and the FSM equivalent of Moses. The Gospel contains the aforementioned Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts." It also provides information on how to convert non-"Pastafarians" and explains many of the religion's beliefs (for example, that lack of pirates causes global warming).
The first public exposure of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and its eponymous deity can be dated to January 2005, when Bobby Henderson sent his open letter regarding the FSM and the teaching of intelligent design in science classes to the Kansas Board of Education. Henderson suggested that his theory and intelligent design had equal validity, stating "if the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith."
The Board only responded after Henderson posted the letter on his website, gaining significant public interest. Henderson subsequently published the responses he received from board members.
As word of Henderson's challenge to the board spread, the website and Henderson's cause gathered more attention and support. The mainstream media quickly picked up on the phenomenon as the Flying Spaghetti Monster became a symbol for the case against intelligent design theory in public education.
In August 2005, in response to a challenge from a reader, BoingBoing.net announced a $250,000 challenge, later raised to $1,000,000, of "Intelligently Designed currency" by other bloggers, payable to any individual who could produce empirical evidence proving that Jesus is not the son of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, though Jesus is not a part of Pastafarianism. The challenge is modeled after a similar challenge issued by young-Earth creationist Kent Hovind (an award of $250,000 to anyone who can prove evolution "is the only possible way" that the Universe and life arose) that has been criticized by scientists as being logically flawed in design.

8.23.2007

and mavis took my soul

She was a pretty girl. Raven black hair. Long nose. Tight clothes on tightrope legs. All of the itinerant buskers and Green River solicitors were after her. Me included.

I'd come down a hard road. Lost my cattle, sold my water and watched the wind take my dirt. I'd had some hard times on both sides of the law and the bad side got me incarcerated. It wasn't so bad, you know. The fellers was all on my side; just another hard-luck case. Like them. Lost at one game or another, never meant no harm.

Long story short, I was let go. Time served. I left in a black wool suit donated via the "Salvation Army". I was given $80 worth of "community vouchers". I had to walk to the bus station. No one picks up a hitch hiker in a black wool suit on very hot day anymore.

Not jumping ahead but I'm just three days away from Mavis ...

To Be Continued.

8.21.2007

the wind took my dirt

But I sold the water first. I had to. Five mouths to feed, chickens, two pigs. No milk for any of them.

Water-wise what I had bought and paid for was 50 feet down to groundwater. I got it. Light, clean and no sicknesses from it. It flowed well so I dammed it and built several overflows downgrade. Planted some trees - plumbs and cherries. Stocked some bass from a friend's dam.
My neighbors took notice. I often had water when they did not. They'd homesteaded hilltops without regard for the valleys. Volume over value. Many just made bad decisions while others had plans from the get go. Veterans of previous land grabs, they lined up on this one just like the others.
On Monday, October 10, 1913 I visited the County Courthouse in Corson County South Dakota to legally renew my and my brother's aforesaid claim to the acres above the northern branch of the Cheyenne River. I was prevented from entering the Courthouse that day. I was roughed up and tossed and had to be carried home.
On Thursday, February 2, 1914, I was served with a felony warrant for the "problem" at the Corson County Courthouse. I had been disorderly and I had even promoted mayhem at some point. As a result, the warrant also stated, I had immediately forfeited all interest, right or title in any homesteaded land I held personally or in corporation with friends or family. Everything. Due to special powers granted the executive office via the Dawes Allotment Act.
I learned that late. The applicable statutes and legal opinions. But fortunately, I learned it all while in prison for attempting to register my property at the County Courthouse in Corson County South Dakota.

When I first met Mavis in Hot Springs Arkansas after drifting south for the picking season, I knew she was half or more Indian. I decided to stick around. I'd heard about her brother Marvis getting shot in Fort Pierre. Some chick went down with him. It was big news up on the hill in Sioux Falls.
Coming across Mavis was big deal. I realized I'd lost my farm, garden and ponds and was now pretty much a destitute bum. Dang. But, oh God, just look at Mavis ...

TBC

8.20.2007

trust jesus


A traveling salesman, the road was his life as he
Carved a path through all the struggle and the strife of this
Great big nation falling to it's knees
Oh Lord please give us the strength
The World Book was his trade but paint was his tool
A Chrysler his engine but the Good Book his fuel
Concrete his canvas, his message was simple

And at the start of every day he would pray:
Lord, I'm only just one man
Lord, I've only got two hands
Lord, I'll do the best I can

San Diego to Boston and all points between
From Brownsville, Texas up to Canada in the spring
From the Great Smoky Mountains to the Bitteroot Range
It's all the same
Some'd say he's a messenger and some would say a sage
Some would say a vandal but I guess it's hard to guage
Travel any highway in this land and you can probably catch his track
But you won't ever catch him in the act

Lord, I'm only just one man
Lord, I've only got two hands
Lord, I'll do the best I can

Now one day this world is gonna curl up and burst
It's gonna choke on it's own tongue and die of it's own thirst
Until that day comes our roads will always be long
But he's left signposts to guide us along
On overpass columns from Mexico to Maine
The color may vary but the message doesn't change
He knows he's not judged by his works, he does it just the same

And at the start of every day he would pray:
Lord, I'm only just one man
Lord, I've only got two hands
Lord, I'll do the best I can
Lord, help me help them to understand


And just in case you thought we were getting a little week in the knees, what with two cats named Hank (Williams) and Willie (Nelson) and all, here's Austin TX's Slobberbone covering the Beatles' "Don't Let Me Down". Can I get an Amen from my reverent flock?

I almost forgot, the lyrics way above are Slobberbone as well. A Great Texas band that'll stand you for beers at the 400 Bar or cocktails at Stand Up Franks, Lee's Liquor Lounge or Liquor Lyle's in Minneapolis. One or all three. You can cash your paycheck there.


8.15.2007

ranne


North Dakota is a state in both the Midwestern and Western regions of the United States of America. It is the northernmost of the Great Plains states and is the northern half of The Dakotas which also includes South Dakota. During the 19th century, North Dakota was considered part of the Wild West. Formerly part of Dakota Territory (named after the Dakota tribe of Native Americans), North Dakota became a state in 1889.

Ranne became my employee in February 2007 and my friend soon after that. She took over the day to day. She busted the team into shape. She busted me.
Then they discovered a brain tumor. They're gonna shave her head, cut a hole in her skull, lift her brain and remove the tumor today. Then they'll figure out what it is.

Grand Forks is the third-largest city in the U.S. state of North Dakota and the county seat of Grand Forks County. Grand Forks, along with its twin city of East Grand Forks, Minnesota, forms the center of the Grand Forks, ND-MN Metropolitan Statistical Area, which is often called Greater Grand Forks or The Grand Cities.

I come back to the North Dakota connection because I believe where you are from. your sense of place, is an essence of your identity and strength. Ranne has lived everywhere but she's from ND. I'm from SD and she's helped me see the strength in that. And now she's the one having her head examined ...

like a hurricane


Starting as a Tropical Depression I quickly graduated to a Tropical Storm heading straight for Puerto Rico.
Now it looks like I have a chance to go big time and shave the coast of the Yucatan Peninsula before dropping into the Gulf and intensifying.
The Gulf States are apparently at risk.
I wonder if this bodes ill for my recent ordination.

8.12.2007

i iz closer to God

Proclamation of Ordination

Thank you Reverend Dean Noel Eisenbraun

Effective Saturday, August 4, 2007

I, Douglas E. Hickman, Ordaining officer of the Universal Ministries, do Ordain, Anoint, Appoint, and Select you for placement into our Registry of Ministry. This means that from this day forward, unless you request to be removed, you are a minister with the Universal Ministries. This being said, we welcome you into our Ministries of Universal Acceptance.

As my first official act, I think I'll post this great video. Camper Van Beethoven "Take The Skinheads Bowling". Enjoy and peace be with you.

do you speak English!

Click on the picture to make it big.
AT&T determines you should "speaky de Anglais" to get the best from your phone. I got a really cool cell phone that works in several languages, even those I haven't had time to learn. For instance, I got a call last night from a gentlemaan who was speaking gibberish. I didn't know the language but the phone seemed to. I could hear him I just couldn't make out what he was saying. I think I'm going to upgrade to a phone that translates.

8.04.2007

the Gods must be crazy

For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory to give us this day our daily unmade bed. Lead us not down to Steve's Bar, but deliver us from Evel Kneivel. For thine is the Rocket that made it about a hundred feet into the Snake River gorge and was smote with great enmity upon the rocks thereof. Amen. Let the church basement potluck begin. Praise be to the green jello mold with bacon and green beans. Give sweetened macaroni salad with peas unto the meek for they shall inherit great girth. Blessed are the the cheesemakers, for without them there would a scarcity of cheese. Become fishers for Jim. For he who fishes for Jim frees him up for other things. Amen. Awomen. All are welcome at Todd's house and heated pool. Be sure to check with Lori. For she is such that would keep the gate and only welcome the known and washed among us. Much as she should since Todd is indiscriminate. Thus spoke he that speaketh whilst others listened. Intently.
Be not unkind to the kindly. Be not weary when thou sleepest for thou art resting even as thou sleeps. Do unto others as you would have them do unto Stuart, who is likened to the Devils who solicit your landscaping with baubles and trinkets at your door. Take communion with the fruit of the banana tree for it is a great source of fiber and potassium. Be free from desire for desire leads to wall to wall carpeting and much additional work. Turn the other cheek often to even your tan, for an uneven tan is an abomination before God and your partner who tans evenly. Above all, respect your elders for one day you also will be elderly and may need to borrow a pair of support hose. Amen.

Howdy folks. Just polishing up my religiosity as I have been asked to officiate at my niece's wedding at the Whisky a Go Go in Los Angeles this fall. That's so long as I get ordained online and officiate in a foreign language. She's partial to Italian and I have been to Italy so I'm something of a local expert on the language and culture. But I'm thinking more in terms of Kalihari Bushmen. You know, with the clicks and the pops and such. Plus it sounds good with banjo.

reefer man