The 'How Kola Glove'

Hey kids! You too can learn to speak Lakota with the new "How Kola Glove" from Hasbro! Lingualism meets space-age technology! The glove works by sending a small stream of electricity through the wearer's arm at a modulation that affects only the pitch of the users vocal chords. Just slip the glove over your left hand, activate the patented lead-cadmium, battery-belt pack and raise the glove in greeting to friends, family and intelligent pets (try a talking bird, for example, or even a monkey). Developed by Venezuelan activist and son of dictator Hugo Chavez, Tito (The Glove) Chavez, early versions of "How Kola Glove" were used primarily by Venezuelan oil company Citgo to deliver oil and gas subsidies to US reservations in North and South Dakota.
But Tito Chavez had bigger dreams. A mass market for lingual gloves. So he retrofitted the glove to say hello in Navaho, Iroquois and Assiniboine and when equipped with the patented American Negro 'ghetto chip-set', can say things like, "Hey bro, you holdin?", "Hey boss, can a brother get a quarter for a pack of chips?" and "Now and den, I likes a little gravy on my biskit." or helpful bathroom banter like, "Wanna buy dis here cologne?" A sure cure for stage-fright and other awkward moments! There's no mistaking the usefulness of these pre-programmed ghetto phrases and they're applicable year round!
So why be the last in your neighborhood to own this versatile lingual tool? Easter is coming. Prime your parents now! Just say it. Mom, Dad. I want the "How Kola Glove" in my basket!