5.05.2009

kicking bear and shortbull


In the summer of 1890, Kicking Bear and Short Bull visited Wovoka in Utah. They became enraptured by his faith and even stated that Wovoka levitated through the air above them. Wovoka spoke of the Ghost Dance. Kicking Bear and Short Bull brought the Ghost Dance back to the Dakota reservations, but in a form which lead to totally unexpected results.
Wovoka's faith was based on non-violence. In fact, he even urged his followers not to tell the wasicu what they were doing. But as interpreted by Kicking Bear and Short Bull, the Ghost Dance took on a militaristic aspect. Special garments known as Ghost Shirts were to be worn to deflect bullets fired by soldiers or settlers. Government agents were permitted to witness the Ghost Dance ceremony and were told what it meant. Kicking Bear and Short Bull assured the Lakota that the Indian Messiah would appear to them in the Spring of 1891.
All activities at the reservation were put aside, government agents and settlers were terrified by this sudden and (to them) bizarre turn of events. Newspapers spread stories of savage Indians in wild pagan practices. Tensions became overpowering in the region as the Lakota people gave all their waking hours to the Ghost Dance.
Blame for the Ghost Dance was placed on two people. Wovoka was traced as the father of the Ghost Dance and was interviewed by James Mooney, an ethnologist and anthropologist with the Smithsonian Institute. Wovoka passed a message to Mooney that he would control any militaristic uprising among the Native peoples in return for financial and food compensation from Washington. The offer was ignored. Blame was also put on Lakota elder and statesman, Sitting Bull. Ironically, Sitting Bull was apathetic to the Ghost Dance and only allowed its introduction with great caution. His initial fears were realized: government agents considered Sitting Bull responsible due to his leadership role among the Lakota. Tribal police were dispatched to arrest him, but his apprehension resulted in conflict when several Lakota fought to protect him. Sitting Bull was killed in the crossfire between supporters and Lakota tribal police on December 15, 1890.
Fourteen days after Sitting Bull's fatal shooting, the U.S. Army sought to relocate and disarm the Lakota people, who failed to stop their Ghost Dance. Big Foot took his band of three hundred from the Cheyenne River Reservation and fled south through the Badlands, eluding a reformed 7th Cavalry. On the frozen plains at Wounded Knee on the Pine Ridge Reservation, government troops opened fire on the overwhelmingly unarmed Lakota people with Hotchkiss gatling guns, forcing the killing field survivors into the deep gullies where they were hunted and massacred by 7th Cal horsemen. At least 290 souls were lost. Many lie in the original trench dug for their disposal, a heartless display of American Indian policy in the waning days of the century. Thirty-three soldiers died, most from friendly fire; 20 Medals of Honor were presented to surviving soldiers.
As news of Wounded Knee spread throughout the Native nations, the Ghost Dance died quickly. Wovoka's prophecies were seen as hollow; the land would not be returned through divine intervention. With the same suddenness of its birth, the Ghost Dance disappeared.
Wovoka himself virtually vanished into obscurity. In his later years, he exhibited himself at sideshows in county fairs and worked as an extra in silent movie Westerns. (The one surviving photograph of Wovoka was taken on the set of a film.) By the time of his death on September 20, 1932, he was virtually forgotten by both white and Native peoples. It would not be until the 1970s and the birth of Native American activism that the story of the Ghost Dance was told again.
The tragedy of Wovoka is a legacy of pain and suffering among the very people he wanted to save. The songs of the Ghost Dance are silent today and the dream of Wovoka vanished. The Christian principles which he laced into his theology were ignored by the soldiers and settlers who held allegiance to Christ and yet destroyed the Native way of life with a brutality unknown in the Gospel teachings.


This, then, is not the tale of a great hunter or of a great warrior, or of a great traveler, although I have made much meat in my time and fought for my people both as boy and man, and have gone far and seen strange lands and men. So also have many others done, and better than I. These things I shall remember by the way, and often they may seem to be the very tale itself, as when I was living them in happiness and sorrow. But now that I can see it all as from a lonely hilltop, I know it was the story of a mighty vision given to a man too weak to use it; of a holy tree that should have flourished in a people's heart with flowers and singing birds, and now is withered; and of a people's dream that died in bloody snow. Ben Black Elk

5.01.2009

cleaning the pool

The pool expert is back tonight. The pool murk remains unresolved despite our best efforts. A disturbing development has been the arrival of a hoard of poisonous desert toads who now ring the pool like funky gargoyles in the early evening and throughout the night and make a raucous noise akin to a threatened rabbit. Eerie and piercing. Caspar and Willie are on lock down which is good in any event because the backyard neighbor told me if our cats climbed the wall into his yard again, he'd trap them and feed each a toad. I decided to help him in his endeavor. I've been catching the toads with the pool net and heaving them over the wall into his backyard. If I should drop off line for a few days it's probably because I've been arrested for toad launching, a serious offense here in Phoenix. Wish me luck as I deliver the toads via air to their new digs in the hater's backyard.

4.30.2009

swinging party down the line

that's all one can hope for these days. the swine flu (God forbid we should rile the pork producers and actually they're right - this is a human virus now, leave pork out of it), but people are dying. doesn't something similar happen every flu season? when i get the flu i don't even go to my doctor unless i need a refill on the percodan (not). i'm thinking i'll play this one out, avoid the hype. lay low. stay easy. and look for a swinging party down the line.

4.24.2009

be real

obama didn't create this mess. eight years of cowboy bush did. if you aren't clued into that basic fact then move to crawford TX. you'll be about as welcome there as you would be here. feel free to practice your irrelevant intolerance since you no longer live in the world but in your tiny little compound surrounded by fences and gates. good thing you have a pool. you'll need it when iran and korea launch. as if. grow up.

4.23.2009

hard to break

just like any crawford i've ever known, ol' robert can't be whipped by one, two or three or even four. the old boys behind main st. in wall tried but couldn't move that gang out of place. now he's been told he's whipped but you and i, and we, know better. and now that he's got that brand new four barrel carburetor, i suspect he'll make more trouble than he did before. if that's actually possible.

4.17.2009

my cat did some meth or something

I think Willie did some meth or coke tonite. He came back in from outside, tipped over my beer and immediately hit the iPod speaker dock and navigated to the Killers and then the Fray using the old touch wheel. I was impressed with his ability and choice until he went at clawing my leather man-recliner, or tried to before I cuffed him hard. Then I grabbed him to check whether he was was on drugs and he shot out of my hand like a bolt of lightening and right into the glass patio door. BOINK. SPLAT. Rargh, spasm, mee-ouch. As he lay twitching on the Spanish tile gasping for air, I approached with great caution because he's tricked me before into buying him Fancy Feast (the little tweaker). But, before I got to him, the ceiling cat, the evil all-white Caspar came in. He's her cat and he's a bastard. He watches me when she's away. Maybe or perhaps very likely he's not ceiling cat but actually a demon.
On his demonic entrance, Willie came to life and rose up and got Masonic (Willie's Fifth Degree Mason) on Caspar's ass. During a 30 second crazed sword-fight frenzy, they damn near knocked my 42" plasma off the wall. I swear I saw them run up a wall, across the ceiling and tip over a forty pound clay cactus planter during a very entertaining scuffle. Willie is cleaning his paws right now and Caspar ain't quite as white as he was before he annoyed Willie. Some of you might know or remember Willie has Pueblo, CO hobo-camp experience. You don't mess with hobos or their cats. We all know that. I think. Oh yeah and I forgot to mention that Willie trains at the Gilbert County Island Flood Irrigation Ninja Prefectory for Cats. So he did have an advantage over Caspar. Plus, Caspar's a pussy.

4.15.2009

TeevBow Update

we're just upgrading our marketing from Teever-Bowman to TeevBow for president, 2012. Or earlier if need arises. We are working on a platform but our initial access to platform grade plywood was limited. Notwithstanding our campaign team risking it's life for 2x4's and cinder blocks and concrete at the abandoned housing development in north Rapid, we'll push through.

at a limpin' run

how to get motivated these days besides just hangin' on and driving a used saturn with a buck 30 on it?
any ideas? anyone? i been at a limpin' run since my leg almost bugged off last year. on it's own accord.
the highlight of my day today was explaining the NFPA to an Operations Manager, explaining to another how to buy a forklift battery using a phone and/or the internet and downloading Pandora to my crackberry.
i'm sure i must be some poor somebody's hero, but of course i'd rather not be. i am too good at lazy. if anyone's looking for that, call. i'll make some chili. bring beer.

4.12.2009

the copper penny

i was let out of the house by the person in charge so i hopped in my truck and headed to 'downtown' gilbert with my sights set on the copper penny. a fine, historical establishment with pool and darts and wackos and normals. my perfect element, exactly. i will definitely be going back after having made sure the bouncer (dave) and the bartenders (lindsey and kim) know my name. from the hit on my AMEX gold, i'm sure they will.
anyway, i met a strung out meth head with bad breath, a girl with barely concealed boobs so big i couldn't stop looking and a few really cool folks, but i'm home now and someone is gonna be mad when i crawl in. could be me and the cat on the couch tonite.

Update: The couch it is. With the cat. At least he understands my wandering. It's not like I was the one that pooped in her shoe. Probably her cat that did that. He's trying to drive a wedge, I think. Jealous little fink.

4.11.2009

rain

i hope it rains tomorrow so i can stay inside and watch the masters and snack on the homemade tamales i bought for a buck apiece - two beef, two pork, two pollo. all for six bucks.
the lady at the circle k sells them for extra cash from the back room. she and her sister make them. they're awesome and so long as i don't get the ptomaine, i'll keep buying them. really, they're awesome and now i have a real homemade tamale source. i'll be on the look out for some excellent chorizo next. it has to be fresh. made on site. and when they give you your change, they'll do it in spanish.

4.10.2009

473 million

is the amount of money spent on and by the beer industry in sodak in 2008. about a million of that comes from people i know. they also buy trucks, guns and attend bonfire keggers. sometimes they fight, but that doesn't stop the flow of beer. it's a commodity. never to be criminalized. it's part of the holy trinity of weed, pizza and beer. and cable. i added that to the trinity. and music. and BBQ. and driving down a dirt road with a great friend listening to the jim carroll band while chasing a herd of cows. my friend assures me he can jump from the window onto the the back of one of these cows ...
he positions himself accordingly but no dice, the cows fan out. i can't get him close enough
he gets back in and we replay JC's perfect gravity

4.08.2009

my new pool

i love this pool. small but with a rock waterfall that lights up at night. it's like staying at a miniature sheraton.
it was 92 today in phoenix. the pool was as cold as ... well not as cold as hell, but not like south dakota either. a hot-cold gig is rejuvenating. it's just cold up there now.
but i don't live in SoDak anymore, i live in the valley of the sun, so tomorrow morning i'm gonna toast a couple of eggo waffles, slather 'em with a bit of salted, sweet cream butter, douse 'em with the chokecherry syrup that i got from my 2012 pres-campaign runnin' mate and bestest girlfriend Pat B, and chomp beside the pool. i'll be grinnin' the whole time. because as country dick sang, i'm a happy boy.
hasta manyana

PS: Pat, you are a sweetheart; this syrup is awesome!

4.05.2009

hound dog taylor and the houserockers

just when i thought i was living in the perfect paradise, it got better. ole hound dog set up his kit in the backyard. so i'm gettin' some ribs prepped for the grill. gonna adorn them with some north carolina pig perfector, bone suckin' sauce it's a gol' dang hootenanny! just wish ole' festus could be here (RIP Mr. Parker) and of course, you're invited too

happy easter

is it next week? cripes i don't keep track. a holiday? not for me now and never really was. a weird space in time built around rabbits and hard-boiled eggs. the fact that they got this spruce goose to fly is 89% of its cachet. of course there are peeps (gag) and chocolate rabbits but i grew up poor so my rabbit was always hollow.
it took me awhile to figure out the good friday mystery of forehead dust. i thought maybe they just finished reading the new york times and inadvertently touched their forehead. you know, the ink dust. i'm glad i don't practice a face painting religion. it saves time. i don't have to explain the smudge. but hey, you catholics go ahead. rock on.

digging tamara

i met tamara last night at the spurr lounge in laveen. unfortunately on probably my last night there because i'm moving back to the east valley and about 40 miles away. bummer? the spurr is the best cowboy/indian bar i've found in this otherwise chain-sports-bar wasteland. people remember you there. i get my bottle of bud with a frosted mug. it's not advertised. i asked sammy, the bartender, why not, and she said we quit offering it but we know you like 'em so we keep a few in the freezer for you. dang - how can times be so tough when you have friends like these?
anyway, tamara was a young pretty little thing that pulled up on the stool next to me when others more distant were available and immediately engaged me in conversation. i couldn't figure out whether she was asian, latino or otherwise so i went out on a limb and simply asked her. turn's out she's navaho. i told her if i ever bought a kachina doll, i would want it to look just like her.
i'd forgotten that kachina's were hopi but she still thought it was sweet. i hope she gets everything she wants in life. she ought to.

4.04.2009

i can't find arlys klundt on facebook

after a great deal of very little or maybe even no effort, i still can't find arlys klundt on facebook. he is apparently not one of the estimated 200 million users. i did speak to his father lyle, currently employed as a janitor at the school in kadoka. he gave me some news and assured me that arlys was alive and well but that he could provide no further information, national security or something.
i met with some teever ops guys (yeah, i hire spec-ops guys in situations like this). they surveilled lyle for some time but no evidence of arlys or his whereabouts ever surfaced. he's like a ghost or a ninja.
but my spec-ops guys did get the skinny - arlys sells frozen pizza for a distributor in south korea for a Brazilian pizza company operating out of las vegas, nevada. my guys (spec-ops), have confirmed. i'm going to korea next week to try to bring him back. lyle thinks he's gone native. i'll hook up with my SEAL contacts and get him home. bet on it.

i ain't a cowboy, but i know a few

marty, darty, lee, scott (even though he defected to north dakota), grant (they had the bucking barrel - that was a collarbone breaker). joe dubya who's prca on broncs right now. that temple SOB who rode bulls, I don't remember how he died. probably a car accident. somebody comment and fill me in.
it was great to grow up in a town that had a place called the 'rodeo grounds'. horses and bulls, a few calves for the ropers and steers for the boys. loose meat sandwiches and beer. beat the shit out of luchenbach, tx, didn't it?

PS: we used to sneak up under the bleachers and steal the old cow hands' beer and hats, the beer is gone but i still have the hat

diana deserves

a front and center


4.02.2009

the moonie is on a bender

or some kind of weird downward spiral. i asked if i could speak with her regarding administrative matters - she said, "no, i have to get up at 1 AM, i really can't talk". WTF. she works for a mortgage broker? at 1 AM? am i reliving the song Jane Says by Jane's Addiction? is the broker pimping her? i doubt it because she ain't all that healthy lookin', but i'll delve no further - though i wonder if that shopping cart down by the mailboxes is her new home
sad times

4.01.2009

making friends

years ago in minneapolis my sister in law brought her mother (who I knew) and her new husband (who I did not know) to the family workplace (beautiful bambino children's clothing). I was VP of Production which meant I channeled the work flow and actually acted as the head cutter and pattern layout guy. well, in-law step-dude shows up and he's kind of identified as an asshole so they say go hang with the teever, he's cool and can show you how we run this show. he does. we discuss tools and boats. i show him how to safely use a reciprocating straight knife. turns out, he's not an asshole. he's ok. but sucks with the knife. can't keep a line. he could never cut velvet.
later, i get a report back, step-dad says to sister i law's mom who reports back to me that he said, 'I like that guy, he knows how to make friends'.
One of the best compliments I've ever received.

teever/bowman push G20 for more global warming

the teever/bowman political alliance is taking on this rash of global cooling and rampant snowstorms by pushing a global warming agenda at the G20 conference in europe. while attracting little support for their ambitious agenda, they were seen eating strawberry crepes with thick, farm-fresh cream at a small cafe near the louvre. pat was resplendant in feathered carapace while teever donned a cotton, black and white striped shirt and leather beret. it was rumored that later they would be attending an absinthe tasting affair at the botanical gardens near le gare sud'est. before we could confirm, they bought a baguette, some jam, a bit of butter and a servicible knife and sped off on a Vespa.

3.29.2009

dude, WTF is jasmine

on the label of a California Riesling i read, 'notes of white peach, jasmine and pear' WTF is jasmine? jasmine has a flavor? who eats jasmine? where does it come from?

adventure

I embarked on a Spurr adventure yesterday evening and had the pleasure of encountering my good friend Alex and his partner in crime, Maureen. Tanya and Tina were running the bar and Chris was handling the karaoke duties. I like karaoke. I like the car-accident, train wreck aspect of it. You don't want to listen or watch but you have to. It's compelling.
First up is Bill. He's a tone-deaf monotone. He starts singing some old 70's song and I gratuitously howl like an injured dog. His friends laugh. He laughs. When he's done. I point at him and I say, that was fantastic. You are my new hero. And he agreed. So now he is officially my new hero.
Then came the short girl with glasses, Gene Simmons (KISS) hair and no chin. No chin at all, straight to neck. She sang a very obscure song very badly. I think it was Helen Reddy. My previous dog-howling was Godlike in comparison. Plus, as mentioned, glasses no chin and bad Gene Simmons (KISS) hair.
I leaned over to Alex, who is a very accomplished vocalist, and mentioned, 'she totally fails'. He agreed with the obvious as her piercing (like a hound dog wearing a shock collar) emissions continued. But I really sealed my fate when she sat back down and after I glimpsed again her face and future, turned to Alex and said, 'Jeez, she can't sing and she's only gonna' get uglier, that's unfortunate'. I believe Alex aspirated some Tecate. Maureen punched me.
Thanks for reading. I'm off to Hell now. They're waiting for me.

3.22.2009

baby sasquatch

I was taking Colleen home after karaoke night at the Spurr Lounge because she works tomorrow (home health care) and as I pulled up to her place, this little bugger popped out of the bushes and bolted down the street in front of me. Short guy, stocky, kind of bandy-legged. At the moment, I thought I'd either seen a baby Sasquatch in human clothes or a Mexican shape-shifting chupacabra. I gave Colleen a big distracted smooch, shoved her out the door and checked my Ruger single action and went into full-pursuit mode. I needed to know whether it was a stinky bud hallucination from the KGB I got from the dude in the parking lot at the bar or whether I had actually seen a mythical creature. If I could catch it and keep it alive for awhile, I could surely earn some TMZ cash.
Turns out, it was just a midget. A hobo midget.
I caught up with him in the park by the monkey bars. My stride gave me an advantage. Though he could scurry, I could run. And he stopped at the first shot I fired at him. He was drunk but because he was built so low to the ground, he didn't sway or stagger. He said his name was Bill. He offered up a flask. It was 12 year old MacAllen.
I said Bill, why were you in the bushes outside my girlfriend's house and he said, and I quote, "I was counting."
Counting what, I asked.
"Leaves. I'm from Omaha. They have trees and there we spend the better part of any given year counting the leaves. Like a census."
I left it that because I was flummoxed and baffled. So Bill and I finished off the flask and about three-teen beers each. Then I took Bill down to the hobo camp under the I-10 mini-stack. Gave him a loaf of Circle K bread and some onion rings and he scurried into the bushes.
As he fled, he yelled "there's too much company, Connor Oberst was right". Huh?
Now I'm conflicted, do I tell Colleen about the midget or do I find a new weed dealer who doesn't lace his product with fairy dust.

3.20.2009

oddity

i was fishing in a little pond just east of Cesar Chavez High School in Laveen when i reeled in a patagonian toothfish. that's a seagoing member of the cod family. a deep sea wanderer. most people know it by it's marketing name, chilean sea bass. i just know it trolled in like dead carp. but since it didn't smell bad, i scaled it, grilled it over oak charcoal with a pinch of sea salt and a little olive oil and served it with a side dish of parboiled garlic snap beans and fresh hothouse tomatoes. it was good, but i still can't figure out how that toothfish got in that pond.

3.17.2009

teever/bowman ticket likely

Following extensive negotiations between the the two camps, it looks like a Teever/Bowman ticket is likely in 2011. Cornered in the plaza at Trump Plaza near Columbus Circle, Ms. Bowman said to the assembled, "i was ready for this." Later, she and teever were seen eating pancakes though observers were unable to establish the syrup on either plate. Whatever it was, if Ms. Bowman was involved in the decision, the pundits agreed, it had to be sweet, just like Pat.

3.15.2009

squeeze

after Frank Fools Crow passed and the planets were no longer aligned, a Bear Lodge Creek Lakota elder answered a question I had presented via email. the question was, what does it mean when you're holding hands with your pretty lady and she gives you a squeeze and a soft look. the elder related back to Ben Black Elk who said the sacred hoop is broken and the nations have scattered. the elder then stated that the squeeze was an affirmation that the natural order was being restored. as for the look, he said, you're just one dang lucky wasicu.

3.13.2009

cat door

i need a cat door. if you have one, please call.

3.11.2009

neko

The Winds
by Sasha Frere-Jones March 16, 2009

The title of Neko Case’s new album, “Middle Cyclone,” is a reference to “mesocyclone,” the core rotational structure of a thunderstorm, which can produce a tornado. This was not my interpretation of the phrase, which I took as a commentary on age, and on how Case turned thirty-eight last year: hair flying, throat open, poorly secured items be damned. Case’s work on “Middle Cyclone”—the best of her career by a generous margin, and every song her own except for two covers—addresses youth, aging, marriage, death, change, and all that knobby stuff you run over on the way to your midpoint.
Nature and violence are the forces at work in “Middle Cyclone.” Mockingbirds sing, ants march, and the sky drops marbles on Case’s characters. The Sistine Chapel is “painted with a Gatling gun,” and the characters in “People Got a Lotta Nerve” are all types of trouble—one is a “man-eater,” another eats “hearts of sharks.” Case sums up this scenario—after a long pull on a cheap cigarette, one hopes—by singing, “It will end again in bullets, friend.”
“Middle Cyclone” isn’t an album that breaks apart the world with new sounds. It has the same feel as R.E.M.’s “Murmur,” Meat Puppets’ “Up on the Sun,” or X’s “Under the Big Black Sun,” perfectly formed rock albums from the eighties that emerged from the nest of punk rock, steeped in a love of older music and newer sounds, with self-indulgences held in check by a quick pulse.
The wide-open spaces and narrow hopes of the characters in “Middle Cyclone” could come from any of the many stages of Case’s life. Born in Virginia, Case spent most of her youth in and around Tacoma, Washington, leaving home at fifteen for Vancouver, where she played drums in punk-rock bands. She lived for five years in Tucson, and recently moved to Vermont, where she bought a farmhouse and a defunct post office, to use as a rehearsal space. She is an avid defender of animals (the song “I’m an Animal” is not all that metaphorical, apparently) and has lived much of her life in places where cars and guns usually go together, and fast. If you can’t tell how far Case is throwing her voice as a writer, she gives you a big cue in “Vengeance Is Sleeping,” when she sings, “I’m not the man you think I am.”
Case began recording in the nineties, with a revolving band of musicians billed as Neko Case and Her Boyfriends. Their sound, as Case described it, was like “a bunch of kids trying to reproduce some sort of Owen Bradley magic.” Case and her band took elements—pedal-steel guitar, loads of reverb on the voice—of the so-called “Nashville sound” that Bradley helped create for singers like Patsy Cline. At first, Case’s take on country was engaging, mostly because of her voice, which Case herself describes as “breathing through a fire hose.” “I’ve never really listened to my voice and gone, That is a quality instrument,” she told me. “It’s more like, O.K., that’s good and fucking loud.” She added, “I’m kind of the horn section of any band I’m in.”
Without Case’s voice, the Boyfriends records would have been fairly unremarkable country-rock albums. It is ironic that Case, of all people, would be so fond of reverb, an effect whose metallic curve can sometimes obscure a truly great voice but is a boon to modest singers. (The Jesus and Mary Chain would be a couple of links short without the reverb.) Case’s tone has the glint and the bruised shading of well-handled brass, her pitch is merciless, and when the throttle is open her chest voice is more than a mere horn section: Case is an event, a force that sets off things around it.
One of the Vancouver groups that Case has worked with is the energetic pop-rock band the New Pornographers. The band’s principal songwriters are A. C. Newman, who has a knack for twisting melodies which recalls that of Squeeze’s Glenn Tilbrook, and the prolix Dan Bejar, who writes mainly for his band Destroyer. Case’s role with the New Pornographers has been largely as a voice—she does not write with the band. But a song like Newman’s “The Laws Have Changed,” a magnificent and clever work from 2003 that implicitly likened the Bush family to ancient-Egyptian rulers, does not peak fully until Case enters, singing, in chorus with her own voice, “Introducing for the first time, Pharaoh on the microphone.” You can’t help cheering along with the royalty for three minutes.
As the New Pornographers grew in popularity, so did Case, who made her first full-length Boyfriendless record, “Blacklisted,” in 2002; it was her last and best iteration of the countrified middle ground. The attraction to mid-century country music, especially when it goes a-waltzing, makes sense. Like Nashville ballads, Case’s songs tend toward long, luxurious phrases that suit her voice. (By contrast, she cites “nimble” vocalists, like her backup singer Kelly Hogan, as people with voices as precise as “coping saws.” “They’re like little mountain goats—they’re just hopping up the cliffs,” she said.)
Case’s change in writing style began with “The Tigers Have Spoken” (2004), an album of songs recorded live. The material is mostly covers—several traditional numbers, Loretta Lynn’s “Rated X,” and “Loretta,” by the obscure late-seventies Boston group Nervous Eaters—combined with four Case originals, including “Favorite.” It’s a waltz, a time signature that Case leans on a little heavily, and though the textures are country, the melodies have become longer, the chord changes a little stranger, and the themes more Case’s own. (She hits a deer with her car, but only in a dream.)

3.10.2009

pol pot


when i was living in cambodia, in a small village on the border with laos, i made a report to the village elder, hun vang, about the lack of real meat,
white rice and liquor stores. hun gave me some 'monkey' meat (more likely a vietnamese ground mole) and said i should try to hook up with pol pot. he gave me a number. so i called and pol pot answered. turns out that even though he's the second coming of hitler and murdered millions, he had a line on fresh chickens and single malt scotch. he hooked me up. for a vicious devil who should have been and finally was executed, he was very congenial with me. and he wrote me a letter before he was put down wishing me, my family and my friends well, not even mentioning his upcoming demise. he did mention that since he was imprisoned he couldn't score any cocaine. it's apparently hard to come by in cambodian prisons. unfortunately, i couldn't help.

3.08.2009

more than one way

There's more than one way to skin a cat, but the result is the same. So whatever approach you decide to take, just do it well. Just let the results speak. And be prepared to dispose the carcass.

3.02.2009

the garden show

i've been informed by a certain colleen that i'm going to the garden show this saturday. i assure you i was careful and i didn't ask the obvious question; what is the garden show? it's too soon to challenge the girl things, especially 'cause she's otherwise most sweet. i assume it's about flowers anyway, and as long as i'm the principal gardener, i guess i'm ok with it.

3.01.2009

renaissance festival

right after rush limbaugh and hemorrhoids, i hate renaissance festivals. it's the ultimate freak show for mentally deranged idiots who live in a delusional fantasy world of gremlins and ghosts. an example; at my friends wedding reception this renaissance festival pagan chick in a really bad dress got up and did a hand dance. why would you wear a costume to a friggin' wedding reception? personally, i couldn't figure it out and i don't know what the point was, but if i'd had my shotgun with me i would have put an end to it!

2.25.2009

the turkish shave



I don't know whether this is available near you, but I get one at least two times a week. It's very relaxing.

First, you get a warmed, damp towel from a steamer that softens the beard nubbins, then a swathe of aromatic shaving cream. Next, a super sharp straight razor is brought to task. Skillfully.

After the first shave, you get another warm towel, and then another lather and a second shave. Damn!

Best of all, before you leave, you're offered a Turkish coffee (the hashish of coffee) and pastries and asked about your view of current events. All listen attentively. Ask questions and trade insults. So, if you're like me, you sit around for an hour or two because these dudes are cool.


Price: $12.50 - pastries and coffee included.

2.24.2009

live blogging obama's address to congress

7:00 nbc news states obama's current approval rating is north of 60%, of course it is. he hasn't had enough time in position.
7:02 two supreme court justices blew off the event, most notably scalia, the illegal-duck-hunting strict constructionist. stevens apparently had some bad cheesecake
7:04 here comes michelle in (satin?) purple dress - possible vikes fan? wouldn't that be a bears betrayal - should have gone with orange and black
7:05 here comes the cabinet, no not furniture though they may as well be, stick o' wood here, upholstery there.
7:05 hilary emerges, wish she'd quit doing that, emerging I mean
7:09 biden and pelosi look like hungry retards waitin' for the short bus. here, have a shit eatin' grin, nancy, i have many says paul
7:10 here comes obama, i bet he has reserved parking
7:12 i think i just saw obama just grease a palm with some stimulus money
7:13 obama kisses hilary
7:14 side camera angle indicates the size of pelosi's ass - huge, with built in shelving
7:16 does obama's tie got pink in it?
7:18 blah, blah, blah, crisis
7:19 blah, blah, blah, rebuild
7:20 blah, blah, blah, responsibility
7:22 blah, blah, blah, day of reckoning
7:23 blah, blah, blah, dilemma
7:25 blah, blah, blah, tax cut, tax credit
7:25 beer/pee break BRB
7:28 back, what'd i miss? not much, i suspect
7:29 blah, blah, blah, refinance
7;30 blah, blah, blah, nationalize the banks, eff the stockholders
7:31 can a guy get a hot dog in congress?
7:32 blah, blah, blah, significant resources required (so i refuse not to borrow from china and saudi arabia)
7:33 blah, blah, blah, i promise you, i get it
7:34 blah, blah, blah, open ended recession
7:35 God this is boring
7:36 i'm thinking about snacking on that cold porkchop
7:37 or maybe i should just wait, this sounds like a chicken every pot speech
7:39 blah, blah, blah, protectionist trade practices
7:40 ok, dude, let's wrap it up, america is having a hard time paying attention (or paying for anything else)
7:42 nothing happened in the last two minutes worth mentioning - nancy pelosi jumped up and started clapping like she was on crack but i suspect that happens a lot - health care reform is the current topic
7:45 blah, blah, blah, i suffer no illusions (good to know)
7:46 blah, blah, blah, a prescription for economic decline (re education)
7:50 jeez dude, WRAP IT UP!
7:52 might as well pee again, this noise is becoming distracting
7:55 my head is gonna 'splode!
7:57 willie pete left the room, believe he's fed up
7:58 blah, blah, blah, the obligatory statement of support
8:00 blah, blah, blah, i closed gitmo
8:01 blah, blah, blah, gonna hang with iran
8:02 this is so boring, i contemplated going for chicken - Church's has the best
8:03 much better than Popeyes
8:04 blah, blah, blah, now i plan to get really sappy
8:05 just realized i hid my weed jar but i can't remember where?
8:06 found it
8:07 should have thought of it before this started, maybe it would have been more interesting
8:08 thank God, he's done
8:09 and now, the real morons will discuss the speech, yawn ...

it's over, the speech i mean. let me know what you thought especially if you payed closer attention than me

2.22.2009

note from mackenzie

First things first: Don't freak out. I know things look bleak. You're stocking up on shotgun shells and Dinty Moore Beef Stew, dreading the day you inevitably have to pitchfork-fight a hobo over the last piece of firewood in the Hooverville. Hell, you might even be thinking that Kanye West was wrong for once: maybe "The Good Life" isn't all that. Maybe the mass pursuit of diamond-spackled grills, champagne Jacuzzis and McMansions the size of Vatican City was not actually the happiness we totally had the right to pursue.

This past year, we learned that karma is a bitch. That Wall Street is run by Hamburglars. The government is basically too many pigs at too small a trough. That we're broke, at war(s) and, instead of dealing with it, we've chosen to watch celebrities dance, dance, dance for the bloodthirsty hordes. We torture to make ourselves feel safer, cheat each other to make ourselves richer and have generally behaved like raging assholes.

I get all that, and still I say with total and utter conviction: America is awesome. And we're awesome because we are batshit, out of our minds crazy. The French are intellectuals, the Russians are brooders and the Chinese are hard workers. Americans are crazy. Our optimism, ambition, and self-interest verges on the manic.

Think about it - we're a country of over 300 million people, and each of us is told, and honestly, earnestly believes that we're special. That we have a right to pursue happiness. There's no guarantee that happiness will ever happen. We're just cleared to chase, lunge and claw after that happiness, like an eternal dangling carrot. Our dreams matter. This is pounded into us. It is part of our collective DNA. Everyone is special. We believe it, even if it isn't true.

When we succeed, we succeed big (see: the Empire State Building, Moon landing, cheese-stuffed pizza crust). When we fail, we fail big (see: the Great Depression, Slavery, Spider-man 3). We lurch and strive and aspire to greatness. Other countries fear us (not just because we have over 7,000 tactical nukes, though how utterly crazy is that?). They fear us, mainly, because we are an experiment, and experiments can explode. Or they can go on a rampage, like Frankenstein's monster.

Frankenstein might actually be the closest cultural predecessor. America isn't a democracy where majority rules. We're an anti-tyranny-ocracy. We're terrified of tyranny, no matter what form it takes: the government, the free market, your neighbors. The mob can never fully be trusted. Don't tread on me. Get off my lawn. The forefathers had total faith in two things: "freedom" and "people are jerks." They knew that power corrupts, and so they created a system where power is like a bacon-grease slathered football: slippery.

Checks and balances, filibusters and the rule of law. Eventually, the person who's got the power will drop it. And then there's a madcap, sometimes vicious scramble. Then someone has the football again. Repeat.

I like to think of myself as a Patriot. I know that's kind of cheesy, but I've OD'd on snark recently. Sorry internet, but pure, uncut ironic disaffection has become an inadequate coping mechanism. I am not a bible-thumping, jingoistic redneck with the stars and stripes tattooed over generous man boobs. Nor am I an effete, pseudo-intellectual hipster with smooth, manicured hands who blames America for inventing cancer, earthquakes and human vices. But I am a Patriot, because this country gives me the right to be off my rocker.

Let me define my Patriotism: I think America is awesome the way the Whos in Whoville think Christmas is awesome. A Grinch can steal all the accouterments of patrio-eroticism --the flag, the eagle, the Statue of Liberty. And like the Whos, who didn't require gifts or a tree to celebrate Christmas, I will happily salute the idea that defines "America."

And that idea is basically that I get to say this: I am John DeVore and you are not. I am a right wing pinko, a militant centrist, a control freak anarchist. I believe in gun rights and gay rights. I want gays to experience the joys of divorce, and I want them to be well armed. I am a Texan, which means I'm the American equivalent of a Klingon. But I live in Queens, New York, one of the most ethnically diverse places on Earth. My local dive bar is the United Nations. I'm a half-Mexican/half-redneck, who was raised both a Catholic and a Baptist. How many countries does that happen in? It happens here like ... all the time. I'm not even the weirdest multicultural mutt out there - we elected one for president

I have dreams, and I work my ass off stumbling in the general direction of those dreams. And all I ask is this: If I tell you to get off my lawn, get off my lawn. If I don't tell you to get off my lawn, come on in! Let's drink beer and play Xbox. I am one of approximately 301,139,947 other people who all think they are special. Are we all really special? Who knows. Probably not. It's a savage world and life is cheap. But we think we are. That's what counts.

I'm not excusing our excesses and mistakes. Actions have consequences, and even America is not immune to that fundamental fact of nature. We all go down together. But we're still awesome, not down for the count. It is a dark time for the rebel alliance. But our adaptability and individuality will succeed. Each of us will succeed, alone and together. We can't count on politicians because, let's face it, they are glorified sanitation workers. Count, instead, on the Awesomeness of America: our pursuit will not be deterred or delayed. Don't call it a comeback.

Winston Churchill once wrote "Always count on America to do the right thing, after they've exhausted every other option." Well we've done everything except the right thing for a nice long stretch of time and we're, if nothing else, exhausted. Looks like we're well on our way ladies and gents!

2.20.2009

this is so cool


Jaguar conservation has just experienced an exciting development with the first capture and collaring of a wild jaguar in the United States.

The male cat was incidentally captured by the Arizona Game and Fish Department on Wednesday, Feb. 18, in an area southwest of Tucson during a research study aimed at monitoring habitat connectivity for mountain lions and black bears. While individual jaguars have been photographed sporadically in the borderland area of the state over the past years, the area where this animal was captured was outside of the area where the last known jaguar photograph was taken in January.

The jaguar was fitted with a satellite tracking collar and then released. The collar will provide biologists with location points every three hours. Early tracking indicates that the cat is doing well and has already travelled more than three miles from the capture site.

The data produced by the collar will shed light on a little-studied population segment of this species that uses southern Arizona and New Mexico as the northern extent of its range.

“While we didn’t set out to collar a jaguar as part of the mountain lion and bear research project, we took advantage of an important opportunity,” says Terry Johnson, endangered species coordinator for the Arizona Game and Fish Department. “More than 10 years ago, Game and Fish attempted to collar a jaguar with no success. Since then, we’ve established handling protocols in case we inadvertently captured a jaguar in the course of one of our other wildlife management activities.”

The jaguar plan, which was created in consultation with other leading jaguar experts, includes a protocol for capture, sedation and handling in the event a cat was captured.

Biologists are currently working on an identification analysis to determine if the collared jaguar is Macho B, a male cat that has been photographed by trail cameras periodically over the past 13 years.

The collared jaguar weighed in at 118 pounds with a thick and solid build. Field biologists’ assessment shows the cat appeared to be healthy and hardy.

The species has been protected outside of the United States under the Endangered Species Act since 1973. That protection was extended to jaguars within the U.S. in 1997, the year after their presence in the Arizona and New Mexico borderlands was confirmed.

"We issued a permit under the Endangered Species Act to radio collar a jaguar if the opportunity presented itself," said Steve Spangle, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service's Arizona field supervisor. "Gathering habitat use information and learning whether and how the cat is moving in and out of the United States may be essential to jaguar conservation at the northern edge of their range."

In 1997, a team was established in Arizona and New Mexico to protect and conserve the species. The Jaguar Conservation Team (JCT) began working with Mexico two years later, recognizing that the presence of jaguars in the United States depends on the conservation of the species in Mexico.

Trail cameras and field monitoring are carried out by the Borderlands Jaguar Detection Project, a group that works in cooperation with the JCT.

Jaguars once ranged from southern South America through Central America and Mexico and into the southern United States. By the late 1900s, jaguars were thought to be gone from the U.S. landscape, but two independent sightings in 1996 confirmed that jaguars still used Arizona and New Mexico as part of the northern most extent of its range.

Jaguars are the only cat in North America that roars. They prey on a variety of mammals, fish, birds and reptiles. Individuals in the northern population weigh between 80-120 pounds. Females breed year-round and have litters of one to four cubs that stay with their mother for nearly two years.

2.18.2009

sometimes

Sometimes I wonder which of my friends know I smoke weed. Six? Fourteen? Maybe all of them? Do their parents also know I smoke weed and if so, will they cut me off? Ostracize me.
It's possible, I guess but 420 is an approach, not a lifestyle. You can have your cocktail and I my bud. The only difference is I can still drive. Legally. For the most part.
So, I was going to write some more, but I forgot what.

2.15.2009

bentley

Bentley is a Gila River Apache. He drinks beer at the Spurr Lounge in Laveen, AZ. He's about 6-6 and plus three hundred. He doesn't talk much or often. He sits and drinks at the bar. Maybe plays a little pool. He drinks Bud so I always buy him one. He thanks me and smiles then drifts back to wherever his head is at at. I can't figure it. He's got to work it out on his own anyway. In the meantime, I'll always buy Bentley a beer when I see him. He seems like a good guy.

Things haven’t quite gone according to plan.


Read: The Saharan Conundrum

2.09.2009

taylor swift


buckskin joe's running mate. she kicks sarah palin's ass. and she's actually smart. and qualified. not like sarah p. jeez, she can't see russia from wasilla. it's impossible. she lives in a town closer to canada than russia and nearer to anchorage. in a fjord. it's impossible to see russia from there. she is a fucking moron. but that's a problem rural republicans often share. that and pancake breakfasts once a year. and raccoon infestations out back in the hide room.
so i'm for taylor

2.08.2009

buckskin joe for interim economic advisor and mr. congeniality


i was just in morongo valley california eating a plate full of grits and i can confirm that people still live there. more than one hundred in fact, perhaps two (hundred). most live in houses, others in caves, others under viaducts or in shipping containers and old army jeeps. the morongo-ites are a proud folk and steeped in tradition. burnt red-cabbage stewed onion paste sandwiches and kick-dancing are always available. and both interesting and significant, strangers are no longer ridiculed or driven from town by the traditional hand launched barrages of hard green tomatoes and flat, frisbee sized rocks. there is obviously a new easiness in the lifestyle.
politically, the townspeople pay verbal tribute to a dog named buckskin joe. he's the talk of the cafe coffeeshop. he's mentioned at safeway. very popular.
buckskin joe lives on paradise dr. he is a good natured dog, going about his business in a statesmanlike way while carefully crafting his presentation and follow up. he speaks (well, barks) clearly and only as often as necessary. also, he is very discreet.
i think we could all learn a lesson from mr. joe. we could calm down and be thankful for what's still available, like food in a bowl and fresh water. a place to bed down. good teeth and claws. being outside in the morning and again in the afternoon. needless to say there's a lot and as president, buckskin joe has vowed to deliver all and more.
i've got to point out one problem though. mr. joe cannot speak or write english, french, spanish, german or italian. he communicates by wagging his tale, snorting and occasionally, by farting. thus, it's clear he is the qualified to be politician. he possesses the tools needed to run this country.
elect buckskin joe for interim economic adviser for now and for president in 2012.

2.05.2009

still got a job

Got fired last Tuesday from my kick-ass job at Outback for being a "Peeping Tom". It's almost like when they (the ladies) wear tight shirts, they don't expect you to do a downward visual assessment. Caution. That link is mostly for men and may offend the fairer sex.

Anyway, I headed over to the neighborhood McDonald's near my house in Guadalupe and filled out an application. I was hired on the spot. Some of my work is janitorial in nature (I clean the unisex bathroom), and the rest is pure gold. I make the fries. Hot, crispy thin-cut french fries. A definite signature McDonald's menu item. It's an honor really. I'm clearly higher up in the pecking order than that spazz that runs the drive through. He picks his nose and when he laughs it's sounds like a sheep bleating. He can't even speak Spanish. He relies on the drinks girl to take the Spanish orders. Jeez, we live in an area comprising the most dense aggregation of urban Spanish speaking people in Arizona.
Anyhow, I think I'm locked in on this job and I'll tell you why. Yesterday, the manager pulled me aside and said, "Eef, you doan clean bedder. You clean more time, no more pay." Wow, that's like an obvious vote of confidence regarding job security, right?
And while I prefer making the fries, that sense of security is more important right now, considering the looming economic depression. I'm still not destitute. I can still afford to bring beer back to the hobo camp by the Durango Curve. I can afford to eat at restaurants that offer a dollar menu. Every day, almost. Two weeks ago, I bought a Gatorade to go with my Keystone Light. Like I said. Livin' large!
TBC

Also on amazon.com, my newest release, "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again". RIP DFW

1.31.2009

thinkin' about buyin' another condo

I've been thinking about buyig a new condo and I found this spot out in AJ (short for Apache Junction) at the foot of the Superstitions east of Phoenix. Sweet!

1.30.2009

moonies eat dogs, don't they?

And weirdo roommates try to convince you to meditate and offer lessons in meditation if you don't know how. I meditate for several hours each night on my Hemingway Sleigh Bed (leather and wood)). Sometimes my buddy, the great Willie Pete Nelson (cat) joins me. Usually off to the left, close to the window. He goes out several times each night to run and kill.
Last night, he brought home a huge canal rat. Spiky haired and reeking. It smelled like a seven-day gutwagon. It wasn't quite dead yet though and when Willie Pete brought it to me for my inspection, the bugger spazzed, flipped on the rat after-burners and scurried under the couch. It is there now while WPN (Willie Pete Nelson) keeps a close watch.
The drama means meditation is out of the question for now.

1.27.2009

get dressed up


we have photos

1.26.2009

big cat

Called my cousin Jim's house the other day. Got his wife, the mucho beautiful little woman. Jim was out hunting with Kenny. Hunting what I asked, since there ain't any seasons open this time of year up thereabouts that I know of except rabbits and blackbirds.
They were hunting a cat. A big, mean one. It was ranging out of the Hills to the west. Killing livestock and Jim's horse. That's a death sentence for that cat. You can't kill a man's horse and not get hanged or shot. When they find it, they'll kill him. I hope to see the hide next time I'm up that way. Maybe even sleep on it. For good luck.

1.25.2009

monkeys for sale


Who can live without an educated monkey? Not me! But I have more than I need at the moment and so I have several for sale. All of these monkeys are educated at accredited monkey colleges, shaved and dressed and ready for educational monkey action. They understand up to 100 commands, and are guaranteed to be proficient in Microsoft Word, Excel,Powerpoint and Outlook. They will hunt and fish and dig up nutritious root vegetables. And they often wash themselves so you will not need a high pressure hose assembly. Pricing is negotiable on a quantity basis. There is a special bonus for early inquiries. Cash only.

Photo by Zip.

1.24.2009

there's always room for jello in 2012

jello makes a case for the presidency while running for mayor in san francisco

1.17.2009

the monkey bars

Arlys Klundt sealed his fate when he challenged Billy Batest to fight him at the monkey bars after school. The reasons for the animosity were never clear. But the contest was on. And many gathered because the news had traveled throughout the school. Hootenanny was present as an independent observer.
At three PM the combatants were present and sneering at each other. Billy looked apprehensive even though the money pushed the odds in his favor. Arlys was grim. He had a fight to consider.
Assembled in anticipation, the bystanders watched as an impromptu 'fight circle' was formed. Scuffed shoes drew the perimeter while Arlys and Billy readied themselves for the fray.
It began and ended quickly. Billy delivered a single jab that sent Arlys to his knees. He followed up with a right hook that put Arlys on the ground, flat on his back. He didn't get up. The fight was over. Billy Batest had won.
But we still thought he was a fag.

1.15.2009

willis the lemur


I was talking to a friend at work and she said, "Why don't you get a lemur and name him Willis. Then you can say. 'What you talking about, Willis"? I had to pause to process the information. Then I weighed my options. A lemur? A really smart monkey-cat with a tail and freaky big eyes. I could maybe deal with a lemur.
But where the hell do you get one? They're endangered and mostly, at least the best one's, are found in Madagascar. To get there, you will probably have to run the Somali pirate gauntlet. You might have to overnite in Columbo, Sri Lanka.
Next, I asked a friend, "What do you feed a lemur?" He said spinach, garlic and sausage rigatoni. No tomatoes. Extra virgin olive oil.
(Got a call from my lemur sales guy - gotta go - story TBD).

1.11.2009

the bigger foot

Now I know that a lot of you don't believe in God, Jesus, Santa Claus or those other guys/girls (a rabbit that delivers hard boiled eggs and chocolate effigies - not probable), but many of you may believe in Bigfoot. I'd like to tell you a little bit about Bigfoot. The Bigfoot I have come to know and honor.
Bigfoot prefers the apellation of The Supreme Master Earth-Lord Bigfoot (SMELB). He does not ring your doorbell or drop off pamphlets or otherwise disturb your American suburban utopia (though he has been known to steal chicken from your grill).
Mostly SMELB hides. A lot. So folks are unaware of his work, planting and selling psychedelic mushrooms to tree-huggers and meth-heads and, occasionally, people like us.
Nonetheless, the Supreme Master Earth-Lord Bigfoot has successfully evaded detection and capture since time immemorial. Many question his very existence. He hides so well that he's never been found.
Now we all know a few friends that are unresponsive; phone calls and emails go unanswered. But The Supreme Master Earth-Lord Bigfoot has taken this to a new revolutionary level by having never been seen. The photographic evidence is inconclusive.

jane says

Jane says
I'm done with Sergio
He treats me like a ragdoll
She hides
The television
Says I don't owe him nothing,
But if he comes back again
Tell him to wait right here for me
Or just
Try again tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow
Gonna kick tomorrow

Jane says
Have you seen my wig around?
I feel naked without it
She knows
They all want her to go
But that's O.K. man
She dont like them anyway
Jane says
She's goin away to spain
When she gets my money saved
I'm gonna start tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow
Gonna kick tomorrow

She gets mad
Starts to cry
She takes a swing but
She cant hit
She don't mean no harm
She just don't know
What else to do about it

Jane goes
To the store at 8:00
She walk up on St. Andrews
She waits
And gets her dinner there
She pulls her dinner
From her pocket
Jane says
I've never been in love
I don't know what it is
Only knows if someone wants her
I want them if they want me
I only know they want me

She gets mad
And she starts to cry
She takes a swing man
She cant hit!
She don't mean no harm
She just dont know
What else to do about it

Jane says

1.10.2009

the chihuahua wand

The mail in the housing development in which I live is deposited and gathered from a central location. Usually, I hit the box on my way home from work. Just as often I cross paths with the North Laveen Hooker. She haunts the mailbox depository, mostly on Sundays. She's prettier than your average truck stop hooker. Stringy blonde hair, ruddy complexion, heels or boots. She stutters and walks at an angle like a crazy dog with rabies. But friendly and, apparently, accommodating.
Last Friday, I pulled up to grab my mail and she comes staggering from behind the block wall of the home adjacent to the depository. She has a crack pipe stuck behind her ear like a pen or pencil, smeared make-up and a chihuahua in tow on leash. The chihuahua makes a run on my ankle. You how those little buggers can be mean and vicious and wreck your entire day but I was prepared.
On the Thursday prior I stopped at the local mercado/carniceria to check on the fresh chorizo and saw, while I was waiting, a Chihuahua Wand. On the shelf, bright, shiny and in need of only four Triple A batteries. Two dollars and ninety nine cents.
Well, the chorizo was two days old so I passed on that but grabbed a six of Tecate and a Chihuahua Wand. What the heck, I thought, everyone down here has a Chihuahua and I may need this.
Well, the North Laveen Hooker approaches with Chihuahua on leash, what do I do? The dog is clearly rabid or just messed up by a century of Mexican inbreeding. I've got the handgun I carry in my truck in case I get in a shoot out with the cops and I've got the Chihuahua Wand. In a moment of lucidity, I grab the Wand. Chihuahua neutralized. If I had batteries.

1.08.2009

what has happened to customer service?

So I'm at Me Gusto on University Avenue in Tempe and I ask the waiter, 'could you take these chips and throw them back in the fryer for a minute, I like them crispy'. He takes the basket and all seems well. He comes back with a basket full of chip dust like he'd put them in a blender or something and then physically threatens me with his pen. He makes a stabbing motion apparently intending to poke me in the eye and before he can get to me, I flip the table and duck behind it. Luckily, I always carry a small .25 caliber auto in my sock and I clear it in time to fire a shot into the ceiling as he's coming around the table, apparently enraged by the turn of events.
I say, 'check please' and he responds 'certainly sir, one minute', but I still think the first part was uncalled for and so I wrote a letter to corporate. Rather than an apology or gift certificate, both due in this instance in my opinion, I get a plaque naming me Asshole Of The Year.
Now that's poor customer service. Even though the plaque was very nice.

1.07.2009

scared

the crazy Chinese guy is in the kitchen
taipeng or taiwann
i don't know
a name like that

1.05.2009

1.04.2009

the year of the dingleberry

a list:
1. republicans
2. democrats
3. fools
4. shamans
5. birds (that poop on your car)
6. dogs (that bark without reason)
7. cats that don't hunt mice
8. books that start on page 9
9. page 9

1.02.2009

python

there's no possible way this movie could suck

don't worry holly

i'm working on the header ... you have to admit, aesthetically i'm headed (har,har) in the right direction

ps: this chick can write

What Were You Expecting?

click the link, idiot

1.01.2009

reboot (hard)

Time to Reboot America
By Tom Friedman
December 2008


I had a bad day last Friday, but it was an all-too-typical day for America.

It actually started well, on Kau Sai Chau, an island off Hong Kong, where I stood on a rocky hilltop overlooking the South China Sea and talked to my wife back in Maryland, static-free, using a friend’s Chinese cellphone. A few hours later, I took off from Hong Kong’s ultramodern airport after riding out there from downtown on a sleek high-speed train — with wireless connectivity that was so good I was able to surf the Web the whole way on my laptop.

Landing at Kennedy Airport from Hong Kong was, as I’ve argued before, like going from the Jetsons to the Flintstones. The ugly, low-ceilinged arrival hall was cramped, and using a luggage cart cost $3. (Couldn’t we at least supply foreign visitors with a free luggage cart, like other major airports in the world?) As I looked around at this dingy room, it reminded of somewhere I had been before. Then I remembered: It was the luggage hall in the old Hong Kong Kai Tak Airport. It closed in 1998.

The next day I went to Penn Station, where the escalators down to the tracks are so narrow that they seem to have been designed before suitcases were invented. The disgusting track-side platforms apparently have not been cleaned since World War II. I took the Acela, America’s sorry excuse for a bullet train, from New York to Washington. Along the way, I tried to use my cellphone to conduct an interview and my conversation was interrupted by three dropped calls within one 15-minute span.

All I could think to myself was: If we’re so smart, why are other people living so much better than us? What has become of our infrastructure, which is so crucial to productivity? Back home, I was greeted by the news that General Motors was being bailed out — that’s the G.M. that Fortune magazine just noted “lost more than $72 billion in the past four years, and yet you can count on one hand the number of executives who have been reassigned or lost their job.”

My fellow Americans, we can’t continue in this mode of “Dumb as we wanna be.” We’ve indulged ourselves for too long with tax cuts that we can’t afford, bailouts of auto companies that have become giant wealth-destruction machines, energy prices that do not encourage investment in 21st-century renewable power systems or efficient cars, public schools with no national standards to prevent illiterates from graduating and immigration policies that have our colleges educating the world’s best scientists and engineers and then, when these foreigners graduate, instead of stapling green cards to their diplomas, we order them to go home and start companies to compete against ours.

To top it off, we’ve fallen into a trend of diverting and rewarding the best of our collective I.Q. to people doing financial engineering rather than real engineering. These rocket scientists and engineers were designing complex financial instruments to make money out of money — rather than designing cars, phones, computers, teaching tools, Internet programs and medical equipment that could improve the lives and productivity of millions.

For all these reasons, our present crisis is not just a financial meltdown crying out for a cash injection. We are in much deeper trouble. In fact, we as a country have become General Motors — as a result of our national drift. Look in the mirror: G.M. is us.

That’s why we don’t just need a bailout. We need a reboot. We need a build out. We need a buildup. We need a national makeover. That is why the next few months are among the most important in U.S. history. Because of the financial crisis, Barack Obama has the bipartisan support to spend $1 trillion in stimulus. But we must make certain that every bailout dollar, which we’re borrowing from our kids’ future, is spent wisely.

It has to go into training teachers, educating scientists and engineers, paying for research and building the most productivity-enhancing infrastructure — without building white elephants. Generally, I’d like to see fewer government dollars shoveled out and more creative tax incentives to stimulate the private sector to catalyze new industries and new markets. If we allow this money to be spent on pork, it will be the end of us.

America still has the right stuff to thrive. We still have the most creative, diverse, innovative culture and open society — in a world where the ability to imagine and generate new ideas with speed and to implement them through global collaboration is the most important competitive advantage. China may have great airports, but last week it went back to censoring The New York Times and other Western news sites. Censorship restricts your people’s imaginations. That’s really, really dumb. And that’s why for all our missteps, the 21st century is still up for grabs.

John Kennedy led us on a journey to discover the moon. Obama needs to lead us on a journey to rediscover, rebuild and reinvent our own backyard.

12.27.2008

poke him, lyle, he smells poorly

Another one crosses the border.
I have had about enough.
I supposedly cannot say certain things about other people because they happen to be black, Mexican or Asian. Because I am white, my "hands are tied". A Spanish speaker calls a Customer Service line and gets pissed if he doesn't have a Spanish language option. I bet if I was in Mexico, I wouldn't be given an English option. Who decided I should spend my money so Paco Cifuentes can order a pizza? My liberal friends in California? The Obama crew?

I recently had some bad luck and had to go into the hospital. Don't worry. I didn't lose my job and I'm on the road to recovery but my heretofore liberal sensibilities have been severely challenged.
In short:
1. Mexicans are louder than black people and at least as annoying. Their TV is the worst shit I have ever seen. I don't think speaking Spanish (or Mexican, as is spoken here), would change my opinion. There were some hot chicks on the toob, but Jesus, I can't live with that long term! Plus, what's with the roosters and the dog fighting? Fuckin' juvenile, macho shit. Go home vato, the economy can't support you right now and your weed is lame. God, even your food sucks. I've tried it. Traditional means what? Chipotle? Sheesh, that's a McDonald's operation that makes a burrito that tastes good and doesn't result in that old Aztec's revenge. Not Filberto's where the refrieds taste like poo and the crickets own the rice barrel.
2. Black people can and should get good jobs in healthcare. They (the one's I met South Mountain) have a way with making you feel better. They don't haggle over the pain meds. They should focus on these jobs before the Mexicans get them all. They should also open more soul food restaurants and pool halls. More ribs and Jambalaya. Sports book. etc. And, more Rastafarians. I and I and the Lion of Judah, and cabbage and fish. I embrace the culture.
3. Asians. Stiff backed little Ninja motherfuckers. Every time I go to Panda I end up on the toilet. Hell, what do we know now about China. They were selling lead based toys to our children. They live in squalor. My friend Barry Severson went there and when he game back, he smelled of coal and rotten fish. He still does. In fact, it's only gotten worse. Plus, one of his ears festered and fell off!

So read the foregoing and decide for yourself. Is this our 2009 Depression Era Reality because if it is, I'm voting for Pat Bowman as first Lady President of the USA. Mainly because she will probably kick some lame-o ass and secretly was my second girl friend after this really hot babe named Bobbie. Neither of them knew at the time so I can't really get into it because of pending motions, restraining orders, etc. Just let me say, that yeller-haired dog is mine!

12.25.2008

or maybe

I should tell you about this Arizona mudbug invasion that started last week. There's been a great deal of concern. Typhoid is a distinct possibility. Mumps, measles, shit like that. It's gruesome so don't come here right now.

12.24.2008

where the buffalo roam

Here it is. Dang near zero hour. The new year. What's in store?
You tell me.
Or maybe I should tell you about my search for a 'Primary Care Physician'(PCP). At 2:30 PM on Tuesday, Dec 22, I headed over to 303 Baseline Road for an appointment with Dr. Enrique Cifuentas. It was almost 3:00 PM before I met the doctor. My concern was at a low but consistent level. While the building (a medical complex) was impressive in outward appearance it was considerably less impressive inside. It was dirty. Disrepair.
The office staff was clearly challenged by a guy with good insurance.
The doctor, when he finally decided to see me, cocked his head and looked at me sideways like a bird. He seemed perplexed that I had chosen his office as a PCP. I wasn't Mexican or black. I was out of HIS element.
TBC.

12.13.2008

turn out the lights

On Tuesday, December 9th, just before noon Mountain Standard Time an old South Dakota friend and rancher's son liberated my sorry old kiester from the Life Care Center at South Mountain in Phoenix. I was there for damn near a month having arrived November 13th after three weeks at St. Joseph's. As you readers now know, I had a bum leg that became infected and quickly developed gangrene. It was a bacterial bastard called necrotizing fasciitis. You've heard it called the "flesh eating" bacteria but that's really just a general term for any infection that spreads very rapidly and does a shitload of damage. This one did a shitload of damage. I had three surgeries and was lucky to keep the leg.
I'm home now and getting around with a cane. The walker was too embarrassing. I leave it at home. I'm visited at home by a nurse three times a week but she just sits there while I change the bandages that still cover the wound site from my ankle to my knee. She brings extra stuff and charges it to insurance which is way cool because that shit is really expensive at the store. I've never even seen the the stuff I use to cover the grafted areas in a store. It's high end wound care stuff, man.
I hope to go back to work on Dec. 22 but I have three appointments between now and Jan. 14. The Doctor's may hesitate on my release.The only silver lining about all this is that I lost a lot of weight. The institutional diet left much to be desired! And, I would take all the weight back to have avoided this. Who wouldn't?

12.02.2008

american gizzard shad explosion threatens threadfin shad population (among others)

While I've been lamenting my fate, a much more serious development threatens the local Mormon shad population in Arizona following the Arizona Game and Fish Department's discovery that a relatively new invader, the American gizzard shad, has experienced a population explosion at Arizona’s largest inland lakes.

“This species looks like a Catholic or Mormon shad on steroids,” said Fisheries Chief Kirk "Baitbucket" Terwilliger. “These filthy beasts are shaped like footballs and can readily grow past the size where they are available to most sportsmen as camp forage.” Terwilliger added that it is a wait-and-see proposition to determine if these invasive shad will have positive or negative impacts on popular activities like rock polishing, scrapbooking and scuba diving along the Salt River.

Gizzard shad, which are native to the eastern utah and North Dakota, will likely compete for space, jobs and food with the laconic Lutheran shad, another North Dakotan that has become the primary hazing candidate for sport-fish in the state’s larger impoundments. Immature gizzard shad will also compete for food sources with the larval stages of popular fish like Lance and Bruce of the largely Presbyterian brown trout.

However, at about 1-inch in length gizzard shad become more specialized, lose their teeth, exhibit deeper appreciation for the arts and become filter feeders that consume small invertebrates and phytoplankton (free-floating algae) sushi rolls.

The careful, adult gizzard shad is seldom caught by hook and line and their pungent odor and soft flesh generally render them unsuitable as table fare, but in some parts of the country anglers use them as cut bait for catfish.

Biologists at Lake Powell first noted gizzard shad at a bonfire and keg party in 2000 near the San Juan inflow. This species is most often found in public schools in Mormon dominated communities like Gilbert and Queen Creek. Its common name “skipjack” is derived from the fact that school-age gizzard shad can sometimes be seen leaping out of the water in community wading pools or skipping along the surface of man-made golf course impoundments on their sides.

How to tell gizzard shad from a Mormon shad: Gizzard shad have an upper jaw that projects well beyond the lower jaw. If you run your finger underneath the mouth forward and if the fingernail catches on the upper jaw and opens the mouth, you have just become acquainted with a gizzard shad.

11.29.2008

random

I kept some notes. Here's a couple:

11/15/08 6:15 PM
Dinner was horrible. Overcooked, cold fish patty w/ tartar sauce. Cold, undercooked "french fries" (barf). Vinegary cole slaw (barf). Brownie (OK). Cranberry juice, milk, hot tea. Could only eat fish patty.


11/18/08
Roomy's name is Rigoberto. I know because they put his mail on my bed while I was in PT (Physical Therapy) with Nancy and Al. He actually turned off the Spanish Blaster (TV) at 11:15 PM tonight. I got to watch Seinfeld without competition.


11/19/08
One good thing about this place is that, with the exception of IV's (usually), they won't wake you up when you are sleeping.


You can see from the foregoing that being in the hospital is a real hoot. The CHW Life Care Center at South Mountain houses mostly old timers doing their last burn and fade. Sort of a "you can check out but you can never leave" scenario. They keep most of them in another "ward" that I call the Land of the Lost or the Sleestack Ward. They are turned loose during the day and crowd the hallways like chickens in the yard.
My roommate Rigoberto is paralyzed and spends his day watching Spanish language TV at extremely high volume. His visitors talk over the TV and the volume is increased accordingly. If I could understand more than a word here and there, I might find their conversation interesting but I doubt it. Anyway, I've gotten used to it. Rigoberto doesn't talk much, he just lays there and watches extremely strange Mexican TV. When I get my fill, I hop in my wheelchair and join the yard birds.
The nurses only come to start and complete the antibiotics if they come at all. They take their time and apparently operate without supervision. They move around the different wings so I rarely see one for more than a day or two at a time except for my favorite, the wound specialist named Sam. She has the touch of an angel and even came in on her days off when I first got here and special attention was needed due to the condition of the lower left leg. Sam's worth a letter to the editor regarding a real health professional.
Physical therapy is handled by the bullies. They all must have failed as PE teachers and now take it out on the weak and infirm. They try to rush things through early in the day because they get to leave when they've seen their patient quota (around noon).
The crap work (sometimes literally) is handled by the CNA's (Certified Nursing Assistants). Some are good (Carlos) and some seem to hate their jobs (Adelina). I hit the call button more often for the latter just to aggravate her. All nations are represented by this crew with Mexico and South America holding a wide margin over Africa and the Philippines.
The doctor is sighted least of all. I see mine about two times a week and she's always in a hurry. I think she has a second job.
Well, I think that's about it for the hospital stories. It hasn't been fun for me to be locked up for what will be five weeks when all's said and done and I'm sure this is a downer for you readers so let's get this Hootenanny back on track. While I get things in gear, check out the new Killers tunes uploaded for your listening pleasure. Hasta!

11.26.2008

the wound vac

After surgery, they slapped one of these puppies on me. No problem. At first. The wound vac dressing has to be changed every two days. I'd down two Percoset and two syringes of morphine sulfate through the IV but that did nothing to kill the pain. Old sponge out, new sponge in. A real treat I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (save one who shall remain nameless). Here's the skinny on this device.




When a patient has a large wound or pressure sore that is proving very difficult to heal, this device may be used to promote and speed up the healing process. The name for the device comes from the acronym Vacuum Assisted Closure. The device is a portable vacuum pump attached to a special dressing which helps provide a reduced pressure environment within a wound.

A range of wound sizes may be treated and the user would initially select the appropriate dressing required. The disposable foam dressing is first cut to the correct size and shape and then packed into the wound. An occlusive clear drape is then applied over the foam. A small hole is made within the drape and the tubing-dressing pad is applied over the hole. The tubing is then connected to the pump and when it is switched on, the wound negative pressure therapy commences.

An easy to use touch screen display allows the user to select the appropriate therapy setting and should there be a large amount of exudate (excess fluid) collected within the canister, an alarm will indicate that it requires emptying. A filter system within the canister helps reduce wound odor.

The Pump can operate on battery for up to four hours and display a message on screen when recharging is necessary. There is also a user’s guide for recommended guidelines for treatment and therapy protocols. If the pump does alarm, it will also advise staff how to proceed.

The VAC Pump is used mainly in the surgical, trauma and orthopedic practice areas where more patients present with open wounds. Reducing the time it takes to heal a wound would hopefully mean a patient spending less time in hospital and more at home.

By creating a negative pressure under the special foam dressing, the VAC Pump helps to draw the wound closed. Also, if there is a great deal of fluid coming out of a wound or accumulating under a skin graft, the pump gently draws it away into a storage canister. This has the effect of improving the blood supply to the wound and promoting healing by removing the pressure that excess fluid (exudate) creates.

The pressure within the wound can be pre-set on the VAC Pump and maintained due to the construction of the tubing used to connect the dressing with the Pump. It has a central core to channel the exudate away but also has a separate sensing path to constantly monitor the pressure within the wound and feed back the information to the Pump. This allows the patient to move about without the fear of disturbing the wound environment. The pressure would be set relative to the patient’s needs, taking into account the size of the wound and how much exudate was being removed.

debridement


The great thing about surgery is the anesthesia. When I regained consciousness about an hour and a half later, I hadn't felt a thing and still didn't register any pain. Of course, I had a full tank of post-op morphine sulfate and a pile of warm blankets. On my right, a nurse (I assume) was typing furiously into a laptop on a small platform, apparently recording the essential data of consciousness regained. She asked a few questions to determine whether I was aware of my circumstances and assured that I was, left to seek the surgeon, an orthopedic specialist, to discuss his findings. He soon arrived bedside, still in full surgical garb and gave me the news.

It was good news. The infection was "superficial". It did not compromise any critical tissue. Both muscle and bone were not infected. My leg would remain intact and recovery would likely be complete. With a couple of divots, as another surgeon later quipped.

Without further delay, I was wheeled by the transport squad to my new digs on the 6th floor. It was at this time that I noticed I was attached to a small machine that made an audible whirring noise. I was informed that it was a "wound vac" and that it would clean and drain the debrided area. I did not yet know the extent to which this torture device would come to dominate my stay at St. Joe's.

11.25.2008

part one: i am admitted

St. Joseph's Hospital and Medical Center

I called 911 Wednesday morning October 29. This was shortly after calling the hospital to check on the possibility of coming over in a shuttle. Informed they don't provide that service, I was advised to call 911 and arrange transportation accordingly. City of Phoenix emergency personnel arrived in about 20 minutes and after suggesting I take a cab, finally and reluctantly agreed to transport me via ambulance to Catholic Health West affiliate St. Joseph's Hospital and Medical Center in downtown Phoenix. i was laid out, strapped in and rolled into the ambulance on a stretcher and stared at the ceiling as we headed downtown to St. Joe's. I wasn't in pain though I think I was in shock. You probably would be too if you were in my condition.

Gangrene is a complication of necrosis (i.e., cell death) characterized by the decay of body tissues, which become black and malodorous. It is caused by infection or ischemia, such as from thrombosis (blocked blood vessel). It is usually the result of critically insufficient blood supply (e.g., peripheral vascular disease) and is often associated with diabetes and long-term smoking. This condition is most common in the lower extremities. The best treatment for gangrene is revascularization (i.e., restoration of blood flow) of the affected organ, which can reverse some of the effects of necrosis and allow healing. Other treatments include debridement and surgical amputation. The method of treatment is generally determined depending on location of affected tissue and extent of tissue loss.


In just around 72 hours, I had developed gangrene from what started as mildly painful swelling in the week preceding. Much of the tissue surrounding the calf muscle was now loose, hanging, black tissue and smelled to high heaven. It was "malodorous". Or, to put it bluntly, It stank. It stank bad. Like "empty a roomful of people" stank. Folks noticed but were too polite to mention it. Until I got to the hospital.

We made it in to St. Joe's Emergency Waiting Room and I was hurried right on through to see a doctor. He didn't even have to see the affected area before deciding to admit me. I was admitted due to the odor. I was moved to ER Examination Room Four and visited by a parade of surgeons who, after removing the wrapping and viewing the necrosis, agreed on one point; I would lose the leg from the knee down. In fact, they surmised, had I not come in when I did, I could have lost the entire leg including the knee and even my life as we chased the infection through the bone. I was "lucky" they said. Actually, I think I was in shock as the concept of losing a limb just didn't register. Lose my leg? No way, not me. And if I did, I would never have trouble with infection in the prosthesis.

As the surgical professionals continued to file in, the initial prognosis was slowly placed on the back burner and I was scheduled for surgery to determine the full extent of the damage. The last two surgeons to survey the visible damage declined to predict the outcome until getting a better look. I liked these guys. They would try to save the leg. To them it was not a foregone conclusion.

I was moved to a room on the 8th floor to wait for surgery. I made a few cell calls, signed a bunch of releases and contemplated my first time under the knife in more than 30 years. The surgery, "debridement", actually entails removal of the necrotic tissue in the hope that surrounding tissue will heal. It is a major component of surgery for burn patients, for example and in my case, just what the doctor ordered. Surgery was scheduled for 8:00 PM. I was present and accounted for.

11.24.2008

he has risen

I'm back! The long sabbatical has ended and I have more than a few stories to tell. I've spent a good chunk of the past few weeks fighting an infection in my lower left leg and am, in fact, still hospitalized at the CHW Life Care Center in Phoenix for rehabilitation . In total, I've undergone three surgeries, skin grafts and four weeks of intravenous antibiotic treatment - every four hours, every day, I suck up about a thousand bucks worth of Zosin alone. I take so many pills I can't keep track of what or what for. Pain med time is my favorite time of day even though morphine no longer affects me.
I can't wait to total the bill.
And I can't wait to tell you folks some of my stories based on direct observation and keen insight. My forced incarceration has been both tragic and comedic. I could write a book about the food but it would be a comic book. A tragic comic book. You'll get the idea as you peruse the stories to follow. They aren't necessarily in order or even completely true but they do great justice to the farce that is US health care at Catholic Health West in Phoenix AZ. So sit down, have a piece of stale white bread with margarine and prepare to get your vitals checked. You'll need your strength.